Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

The Sandlot (1993)

The Monsters: The Beast: a giant dog lurking just beyond the titular sandlot. Baseballs launched over his fence are lost forever. The children playing at the baseball diamond see him as a giant paw and hear his breathing.

Later, The Beast is revealed to be a normal, loveable dog named Hercules. After sandlot hero Benny (Mike Vitar) outruns the hound and wins back all of their baseballs, the Beast becomes a friend.

The Horror: Not all of the baseballs hoarded by The Beast are created equally. Not fully understanding its value, Smalls (Tom Guiry) takes a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth from his stepfather. When the ball is lost to The Beast, Smalls fears he has ruined his already shaky relationship with his stepfather forever.

The Shared Fate: Though our dreams have seemingly unlimited potential, our bodies, minds, and social standings constantly remind us of our physical limitations.

The boys playing baseball at the Sandlot have limited means to respond to The Beast. They lack the mental and social skills to communicate with The Beast’s owner. In fact, they’ve created a comically illogical mythology surrounding the dog.

Adults watching The Sandlot are transported back to a whimsical time where ballplaying friends could save your soul and every hijink ended with innocent humor. If they’re not careful, the movie can also take them back to being so small and young even a neighborhood dog can become an unstoppable Beast.

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

The Watch (2012)

The Monster: Aliens. Lots of them, by the end of the film.

Despite the comedic nature of this film, the aliens in The Watch are frightening enough for any extraterrestrial fright film. They are an amalgamation of Giger, Signs, and Pumpkin. They have pronounced spines and mouths built for killing.

The Horror: Even with a solid cast, the comedy in The Watch never finds its footing. Because the special effects for the aliens are much stronger than the humor, there is a moment at the end of the movie where, for less than a minute, The Watch is all horror and no comedy. The aliens are deadly, and they are swarming.

This moment is over soon enough, and the main actors save the day. Horror gives way to failed comedy.

The Shared Fate: Despite nudity and foul language, few things play it safer than ensemble cast comedies. Comedic actors are partnered together to show off their best bits. Each new movie is almost exactly like the movie before it.

How wonderfully apocalyptic would it be to see one of these films ruined by scary monsters? Particularly if the movie they ruin was wrecked to begin with?

Wouldn’t movie theaters be much happier places if hordes of alien monstrosities were waiting to rip apart the cast of the movie?

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

Rob Delaney: Live at the Bowery Ballroom (2012)

The Monster: Rob Delaney could not look like a sweeter man. He sports a boyish haircut and disarming smile. He’s fit, as his swimsuit wearing Twitter avatar proves. He’s overcome a troubled past and is now a happily married husband and father.

And yet.

When Rob Delaney opens his mouth, horrible moments pile one atop another. His demeanor never changes, but his comedy takes him into horribly awkward discussions of thoughts far outside the bounds of propriety.

The Horror: : It’s far too easy to pretend we live in a society free from taboos, shame, and blushing. After all, a person can find anything they want on the internet and can access that information anywhere.

Delaney crafts his comedy like a storyteller, forcing the audience to spend time in places they forgot were uncomfortable. Once they’re trapped, they’re helpless, squirming, and laughing as the boyish comedian performs his act.

The Shared Fate: Delaney’s humor relies less on sharp punchlines and more on mood and exaggeration.

This comedy is not safe. Laughter implicates you of, at very best, being aware of the thoughts and urges he riff on. It may even reveal your own inner perversions to a crowded room.

So it’s best not to laugh. Except trying not to laugh makes comedy funnier.

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

The Secret of NIMH (1982)

The Monster: The rats in The Secret of NIMH are of the usual size, but possess unusual intelligence. They escaped from a mental health institute and founded a society in a farmer’s field.

When the farmer plans to plow over their home (and the home of a friendly family of mice), the nastier rats begin to show their true colors.

The Horror: Lead villain Jenner slavers and snarls his way off of the animated screen and into the nightmares of children and adults alike. His character art begins with a restrained ferocity and ends in complete animal rage.

In addition to this, Jenner is a rat. Rats and mice upset a large percentage of the population, and with good reason. They have signified death and disease for centuries.

The Shared Fate: Despite magical colors and a character voiced by Dom DeLuise, life in The Secret of NIMH is realistic and brutal. Characters betray and murder each other. A small (mouse) child may die if his mother doesn’t get him medication and a better place to live. The rats are bigger and smarter than you, and they’re starting to get ideas.

This film might inspire a vague sense of dread in children, as it hints at an adult world where the rats are human and the stakes are just as high.

In other words: Good luck, get the medicine, dodge the claws, and protect your home while you can.

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

The Local Weather Report (2013)

The Monster: Snow. Like any batch of gremlins or zombies, snow is only terrifying when it comes as a horde.

Once enough snow dumps on a given locale, life slows to a crawl. If the flakes keep piling up, society stops in its tracks and people are in danger on the roads and outside of their homes.

The Horror: Weather reports in Minnesota barely had enough to finish talking about on snowstorm before they had to move onto the next. The world got coated in white powder three times in less than two weeks, turning daily life into a struggle to get by without crashing a car or breaking a bone.

Even the proudest Minnesotans allowed themselves to complain about the snow when the nightly news was on in the past few weeks. If that weather section was a horror film, you’d have to be pretty impressed with its results.

The Shared Fate: Wherever you live, the weather has a way of ruining your life. Blizzards kept us in misery in Minnesota, but danger comes from the skies in other forms, too. Whether you’re afraid or surviving or healing after the latest weather nightmare, you can always relate to other human beings and their natural disasters.

Rain, snow, sleet, hail, blizzards, typhoons, tornados, tsunamis, earthquakes . . . The list is the long and deadly. Each time you check out your local weather report, you always run the risk that one of these monsters is going to make a guest appearance.

If you’re lucky, you’ll just be inconvenienced.

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

“Scott Tenormen Must Die” (South Park 2001)
“The Shaving” (Aqua Teen Hunger Force 2003)

The Monster: In both episodes of these television shows, the monster is a disturbed maniac. Willie Nelson, in “The Shaving,” does a better job of hiding his monstrosity as he is lamely tries to frighten people on Halloween. Eric Cartman, the legendary hero of “Scott Tenormen Must Die,” has never been shy about his sadism. In this episode, however, Cartman takes evil to the next level.

The Horror: The expected hijinks and hilarity go to a different, darker place when these episodes finish their stories. Pranks and shenanigans escalate to cannibalism and mass murder.

Animated comedies often take back their most extreme moments with some sort of fourth-wall-breaking joke or character waking up from a dream. These episodes offer no such solace. Willie Nelson’s lair of dismembered bodies – a haul that would make Leatherface green with envy – is lingered upon until we realize the episode isn’t backing away from his slaughter. When Cartman reveals to Scott Tenormen the full extent of his revenge, he cackles and tastes Scott’s tears for longer than the average viewer might want him to.

The Shared Fate: Awful things are done by people who have lives outside of their crimes and transgressions. We don’t usually meet the worst people in our lives while they’re committing their worst sins. We meet them in better moments and then find ourselves forced to face what they are capable of when they reveal who they really are.

You may not have friends keeping a year’s supply of slaughtered corpses in your attic, like Willie Nelson. You may not have a friend who would trick you into eating the murdered flesh of your family like Cartman did.

But you’re never really SURE about all of your friends, are you?

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

The Rock-afire Explosion (2008)

The Monster: This documentary focuses on the rise and fall of The Rock-afire Explosion, the animatronic band Showbiz pizza used to bring in customers.

There are representations of demons and Hell less frightening than the dead-eyed humanoid animals of The Rock-afire Explosion. They are programmed to perform intricate gestures in time with the music. Even worse, the documentary shows these robots in various stages of assembly and disrepair. Furry zombie robots are nothing for the faint-hearted to gaze upon.

The Horror: Fans of the Rock-afire explosion bought up memorabilia from the robot band after they reached adulthood. One man bought an entire band and assembled them in a shed in his backyard.

Imagine entering a shed in someone’s backyard to find yourself staring at a row of mechanical monsters, waiting for the electric command to begin jolting about. Could a person ever walk past this shed again without shivering?

Can a human being live next to a cadre of electric metal mutants and still sleep at night?

The Shared Fate: Rock-afire Explosion fans may be rare, but there must be some sort of collector in every portion of town. Whether a person collects toys, plates, or dolls, seeing their collection in full bloom is proof of powerful desires brewing in that person’s skull.

There may not be a shed full of mechanized puppets in your neighborhood, but chances are a strange obsession is being cultivated in your neighborhood, possibly by someone you know. Just how committed are they to that collection, anyway?

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

Catching Hell (2011)

The Monster: Ten years ago, in 2003, reclusive Cubs fan Steve Bartman grabbed a foul ball from Cubs outfielder Moises Alou during the National League Championship Series. After taking an out away from his favorite team, the Cubs team lost the game and later lost the series.

Catching Hell is an ESPN documentary about the reaction to Bartman’s mental error. The documentary captures all of the other fans who tried to catch the same ball, all of the things thrown at Bartman, and the efforts taken to keep Bartman safe from angry fans after the game was over. When the harassment continues, and spreads across the country, the public shaming becomes surreal.

With his headphones and sweatshirt, Barman is easily recognizable as different from most of the people around him. But Bartman is not the monster. Sports fans are.

In this case, the fans happen to be Cubs fans. Despite all of the other factors involved in the Cubs loss to the Marlins in the Championship Series, frustrated Cubs fans zeroed in on Steve Bartman. The threats and media attention drove Bartman into seclusion.

The Horror: Watching Catching Hell is like reading Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” all over again. It’s easy to have sympathy for Bartman (unless the Cubbie blue runs too deep in your blood to forgive him). He wasn’t just the target of angry fans; he was hated by fans of his favorite team. The caps on the heads of the fans screaming at him shared the same logo with his own.

The Shared Fate: Catching Hell takes its time and leads viewers to a mirror. Would it be so difficult to imagine any of us who truly love a sporting team could turn on another fan that was at the wrong place at the wrong time? Like “The Lottery,” people are happy to show their most violent side to a scapegoat.

Bartman was a real human being who could sponge up years of Cubs frustration simply by staying alive and taking a beating. Who says it couldn’t be you next time?

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen

Not Quite Horror contains reviews of films not traditionally considered horror films. By analyzing them as horror films (identifying the monster, discussing the shared worry for the audience and the main characters, and understanding the depth of horror available to the viewer), who knows? There’s more than one way to watch a movie.

Unknown Animal Husbandry Video (????)

(Note: The author encountered this video in the late 90s, while offering A/V assistance to an agricultural class.

The Monster: The monster is a harmless animal caregiver. Throughout the course of the video, he provides competent care to a variety of female horses. He speaks in a friendly manner, and he makes no sudden movements.

The Horror: The man stands beside a female horse while wearing a plastic glove that goes all the way up to his shoulder. He makes some small talk and, before you know it, he’s using all of that glove to examine the horse.

Then, another horse. Another glove. Another horse examined.

Things look up for the third horse. He’s not wearing a glove, and he’s talking happily. Everything is fine. Then, he reaches into his pocket. Pulls out his glove.

It happens again.

The Shared Fate: Like puppies and kitties, horses are magical creatures we like to think of as above vulgarity.

The animal husbandry video would not elicit a moment of horror from anyone who works with animals. For those who find a connection to their own gentleness and innocence in animals, seeing the biological reality of our inner childhood can be quite upsetting.

— I am indebted to Noel Carroll’s The Philosophy of Horror for his ideas on defining horror, as well as John Skipp and Craig Spector’s article “Death’s Rich Pageantry, or Skipp & Spector’s Handy-Dandy Splatterpunk Guide to the Horrors of Non-horror Film” in Cut! Horror Writers on Horror Film for a similar idea.–

–Axel Kohagen